My gay friend had once told me that he sometimes uses vegetables as dildos. For someone like myself to be shocked over something like that is rare, but using your good old carrot or cucumber for self-pleasure never really occurred to me – all I assumed veggies were good for were to chop up and toss in a salad (no pun intended, LOL).
I wasn’t sure how to take that when I heard that, but my first reaction was the fact that I found it so disgustingly hilarious. It’s not as if I hadn’t heard about using food during sex (I have had used it before, like the usual chocolate, mints and whipped cream), but never VEGGIES. They seem like the most un-romantic and most-nonsexual thing to use during sex, but I could imagine in my mind, a gay man desperate for cock, using his half-bending carrots left for weeks in his refrigerator drawer to insert it up his ass so he could cum. I remember hearing that the first time, my eyes wide open, screaming “What the fuck?!”, and laughing so hard I thought the hyenas were coming for dinner.
Later on, I realized that no matter how silly and funny the thought may be, it occurred to me that using vegetables may be one of the cheapest, most disposable dildos on the planet. For instance, a carrot can cost about 50 cents, and after using it once (which hopefully most people have the right sense to just use once), you can toss it out and purchase a new one. Of course, I would NEVER EVER EVER suggest to use the same vegetable to cook for dinner…that would be SO unhygienic, and…ewww, just not the right mood. Envision this scenario:
“Honey, what’s for dinner?” the man asks.
“Well, the only thing we had left in our fridge were the asparagus tips that we use to shove up my pussy, so I decided to sauté them in butter,” answers the woman.
“WHAT?! Never mind, we’re ordering Chinese takeout instead! Leave that for the stray cats outside!” the man yells.
Let’s not try to re-enact that scenario. Never EVER EVER!! Promise me that.
The next thought that came into mind was the size and shape of the veggie. Of course, I would assume to stay away from soft veggies, such as tomatoes or eggplant, no matter how phallic-shaped they would be. You wouldn’t want eggplant mush or fermented tomato paste in your pussy for weeks after that encounter? (I would hope not) I would assume that the harder the vegetable the better, and the more phallic-shaped the better, like cucumbers, carrots, or zucchini. I would steer clear away from gourd vegetables, such as butternut squash (unless you’re into fisting, then punch away your pussy with calabasa). Bananas may be a possibility (even though it’s a fruit, but let’s talk about it because it’s technically a plant-based creature anyway), but you would have to find something that wasn’t ripe, because the riper, the harder to use, and the harder to clean out!!
And of course, stay away from berries and grapes being shoved inside a pussy, because having to get that shit out will definitely not be fun. After having to probe for a while to find those little fuckers up your pussy, it wouldn’t be a pleasurable experience, you’ll find yourself with a little Slurpee spoon straw trying to scoop the shit out of there, regretting you used anything miniature to get yourself off, so don’t do it!!
One day, I may have the guts to use veggies as a dildo, it may be an interesting experience. But for now, let me let off some steam and laugh my way off about veggie dildos, because one day, I may find myself using one!! LOL
