Sexcapade Files #3: Bed Humper Part I

There are some sexcapades that you remember only because you really wish to forget them - they were some of the most embarrasing moments of your sex career, a glitch in your system that you wish you could erase. No matter how small and minor your achievements were for that one particular moment of pleasure, the embarrassment takes over and hopefully you’d never have to see them again.

I met Anthony on Facebook, on one of those dating applications. He looked cute and he was Filipino (like myself), and he messaged me, so we started talking on the phone. He was pretty talkative, but there were a few things I noticed about him: one, he had a feminine voice. Since I had close friends who are gay, you can say that I picked up gaydar from them, and I was feeling those vibes from this guy, but I wasn’t sure. I hadn’t met him to really solidify that fact. Two, he was a time-hogger - always wanting to talk on the phone, always wanting to hang out, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to hang out with him, until we started talking about sex on the phone.

During our talks, he said that he loved eating pussy and that his exes couldn’t let him go because he was such a great pussy eater. (That should’ve been my first warning, he was bragging how good he was…then again, I do that too, but I know my skills ) He then proceeded to tell what he wanted to do me, to fuck me long and hard and eat my pussy out until it gushes with juices and I come long and hard…so he says. So we decide to meet a few days later in the city to “hang out”.

I ride the train close to his place, and mind you, I’m suffering from a cold, so I wasn’t in the right mind to get booty. But, I figured I was here anyway, and it had been about 2 years since I even had booty, so something was better than nothing. I see him for the first time, and he’s kind of short, lanky, cute in a wrinkly way, and he really DOES have the gay voice AND the hand flip thing that gay guys do. He talks to me and we try to do small talk while we have lunch near his place, then he we go to his apartment.

I’m wracking my brain, thinking of what to do. For one, I’m definitely not attracted to him. He’s not really my type, and he’s a bit annoying. He doesn’t have much relevant to say, and I’m trying to think of some way to have him talk less, get my booty and get the fuck out of here, but here I was, in his nice apartment with really bad decor. He has stuffed animals and toys all over the place, like he’s 10 years old. He refers to Wall-E as “really cute”…shudder…can he just shut the fuck up so we can fuck already?!

At last, he walks over to me and gives me a kiss. At least his lips are soft and a bit timid, so I take over. We go into a full tongue kiss and I started to rub his cock from the outside of this pants. He stops and starts to moan loudly, and and then I proceed to undo his belt and unzip his khaki pants, and I reach into his tighty whiteys to grab his OH SO NOT AMAZING DICK. It was small for my standards - about 6 inches long and the girth of a churro stick, shaved and cut - so he better be good with his pussy eating…I hoped.

Oh my god, why am I here? I asked myself. But I was too busy jerking his half-hard cock and listening to him moan loudly as he grabs my shoulders to support himself from his shock of pleasure. So we started to pull off each other’s clothes, and as I took off my bra, he just wouldn’t stop staring at my breasts. Mind you, I know that my breasts are rather large, and they are my pride and joy, but he stupidly stared at them like he was hypnotized, drool and all. He then lightly touched them, LIGHTLY (sigh of frustration), barely touched my nipples, and gingerly traced his fingers over them like he was touching a rabbit’s foot. Again, I was getting irritated at this…whatever he was…shemale wannabe…guy that I just want him to fuck me so I could go home.

So he leads me into his room, and it’s a mess. His only bed is a futon that is laid out on the floor, and he has Transformers sheets (ick). Who the fuck has Transformer sheets when they’re 30? Shit, this is lame! I thought to my self. But I laid him down, and proceeded to suck his thin churro dick because it was the only one I could get after two years.

He thought he got special treatment, because my skills blew his mind, but in actuality, I only did less than half the tricks I normally did because he wasn’t worth spilling all the tricks on the table. He kept on yelling, “Oh my god, I didn’t know about that spot! Oh shit! Oh shit!” which of course, gave me a really big head, but I was trying to ignore him, trying to enjoy sucking cock again, missing the salty smell of a dick, feeling its softness, its hardness, the contours of a dick…I felt right at home.

After a while, he grabbed me and told me to lie down. He got in between my legs, placed his head near my pussy, and started to lick it in these weird, uneven strokes. It was like he was shipwrecked sailor ravaging a pig on an island after not being able to eat for months. Not only was he such a sloppy, drooly pussy eater, he wouldn’t stay in one place. There was no technique, just drool and cum and a tongue muscle slathering itself like a knife slathers mayonnaise on a piece of bread. He would shake his head rapidly, thinking I was going to get off, but I was actually FAKING my moans. All I did was just squeeze my vagina muscles, and yes, I did get wet, but I didn’t come. So pathetic, this guy, after all the bragging he did, couldn’t even deliver. I’m wondering, between fake moans, if the girls he fucked before thought he was good, then they probably didn’t know much about sex at all, which made it even worse.

So we finally fuck and of course, do missionary, because that’s the only thing he knew. He wasn’t bad, but he didn’t do anything else besides pull my hair (which I thought was pretty hot), but he didn’t even play with the breasts, and they really did feel rejected. He felt small, but then he did fit just right in there for the meantime, since that pussy of mine did not have any cock for a while. The only thing was, after 30 minutes, he was completely done, and I didn’t really come very much, just wet. After a few minutes, I realized that I finally got my booty after waiting for so long, and I told him I had to leave, which he didn’t completely want me to, of course, but I knew I had to get out of there, because what was the point of being there if I already got what I wanted? Plus, he was going to start talking again, and I wanted to completely stay away from that…

Riding on the train towards home, I felt that after-sex glow, that FINALLY I finally got booty, but on the other hand, I was relieved to get out of there. No other guy have I ever felt the itch to leave during sex, but I made a big mistake, and didn’t realize it until the next time I saw him…

Part II of the Bed Humper will continue on the next installment…and you will find out why he’s called “the Bed Humper”…