Picky Lover

I have had some of you ask me as to why I’ve only had 5 lovers so far, and have done so much with only 5 people. You may wonder how it’s possible for someone as horny as myself to not jump at the chance to fuck any random guy (most of the time). It’s not like I don’t have the sex drive to sustain a bunch of guys in a row, it’s just that I’m such a picky lover.

I know that I’ve made my mistakes at choosing men (Anthony, for one), and two were completely random, but besides that, I really want the next person that I sleep with be a person that I know, or in some kind of emotional relationship with. I know, I know, I’m starting to sound soft and corny, but it’s really true: I would prefer to sleep with a friend or a lover that I had feelings for, than just have some kind of one-night stand. I want to be able to know the person for a while, have a few dates, be romanced, you name it…I want to be able to feel like a real woman than some kind of piece of meat at times too. Sometimes I get tired of being the aggressor, and would love to actually make love with someone, rather than just fucking him.

Fucking is different than making love. I really know what making love feels like. You’re brought to a higher level than just physical lust alone. Even though it may be the same actions, the same moves, but the motives are completely different, you really do feel like you’ve been to heaven and back when you’ve made love to someone. After you fuck, the afterglow may be there, but when he’s left your side in the middle of the night, you feel a bit of loneliness and longing when you wake up the next morning. A part of you that you shared with someone you didn’t know is gone, and you can’t get it back.

I guess you can say that when it comes to relationships and dating, I’m scared shitless. My personality is night and day when it comes to sex and relationships. The aggressor that I usually am with sex is so shy and awkward when it comes to dating. It’s as if I don’t feel anyone being really attracted to me. I feel like guys see me as a shy, reserved innocent girl who doesn’t have any sex appeal. Sometimes I feel invisible, and it’s worse when I’m interested in someone. It’s so hard for me to express my utmost desires to someone that I’m somewhat emotionally attached to, than someone that I don’t really know. It’s strange, it’s so much easier to tell an unknown stranger that I want to fuck him, rather than someone that I know and interested in how much I care…

It’s so hard being a woman who’s trapped in two worlds sometimes – being a sex fiend and being a shy innocent girl – that I feel as if I’m strangling myself. I don’t know how to mix the two together, I just feel cornered into two extremes sometimes. But what I really want is to make love to someone…and feel that again…

Maybe I’m not ready to take that step yet. Maybe I’m still healing from old wounds that are still trying to recover, even 3 years from now. Maybe I’m just not ready to let myself go, to take the risk to love and get hurt again…maybe I’m just scared…

There’s more to this girl besides sex…